Adoptive identity often grapples with core questions like…
"Is my entire identity being an adoptee?"
"How does adoption shape my perception of myself, my relationships, family, and cultural context?"
"Who am I? Where do I come from? Will knowing change how I feel about my adoptive home?"
"If I had been brought up in my birth culture, would I be different?"
The journey of crafting an identity and being more than the 'adoptee' is common. Adoptees often ponder the significance of adoption in their lives, actively seek information to enrich this perspective and weave a coherent narrative that has led them to where they're in the present.
Welcoming an adoptive child into your home isn't just a matter of the heart. It often involves integrating a rich mix of cultural narratives, histories, and traditions. Particularly for children from different cultural backgrounds, the bridge to their origins becomes a pillar of identity. The narrative of internationally adopted children, or locally adopted children with different cultural backgrounds, often carries deep emotional undertones. The way this narrative is shared and unshared within the family can profoundly affect the child's development and emotional health. Parents, when recounting this story, often report a distinct dilemma - to what degree should they encourage their children, who are already navigating complex identity issues due to adoption, to connect with their birth cultures?
Historically and shockingly, parents who adopted children from racial or cultural backgrounds different from their own were advised to adopt a "colourblind" approach, seemingly disregarding the significance of the child's racial and cultural identity. This advice was put to bed, and the children raised under this philosophy exposed the reality of overlooking cultural significance - through their feelings of isolation, confusion and distress which led to moderate to severe mental health issues.
“They were really trying to make the case that the color of one’s skin, the cultural background of a child, whether it’s the same or different from the family, is less relevant than just growing up in a warm, nurturing home,” said Lee (2003), who published one of the first reviews of transracial adoption research.
Now, it's much more apparent from years of research that recognising and embracing racial and cultural variances and proactively shaping a home environment that honours the child's heritage are essential aspects of nurturing in ethnically diverse adoptive households. Next, we delve deeper into the significance of this connection and then how to nurture it as an adoptive parent.
The profound importance of access to cultural and family history
Identity formation in adoptees
The initial years of a person's life aren't just about learning to walk or talk. They lay the bedrock for how an individual perceives themselves and their place in the world. For adoptees, this period can be amplified in importance. Imagine constructing a jigsaw puzzle with pieces missing. The absence of connections to cultural and family roots can leave adoptees with an incomplete picture of themselves. In some instances, by accessing this history, they can fit essential pieces into their life puzzle, gaining clarity and completeness. In the vast ocean of identity, cultural and familial ties act as a compass for adoptees, guiding them towards understanding who they're, where they come from, and where they might go.
Understanding cultural reconnection
For many adoptees, connecting with their birth culture might also mean reconnecting with a part of themselves that was lost or hidden in their early lives. This process of reconnection can be cathartic but can also dredge up feelings of abandonment or rejection. Parents can play a pivotal role in this reconnection process by providing a safe space where these emotions can be expressed and processed. This doesn't only mean participating in cultural activities or learning the language but also understanding the intricate dynamics of what it means for an adoptee to grapple with a dual identity.
The role of extended family and community
It's important not to underestimate the role that extended family and cultural community can play in nurturing an adoptee's connection with their birth culture. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, and close family friends can offer unique perspectives and insights, adding depth to the child's understanding of their cultural roots. For instance, an adoptive grandmother might share stories of her travels or experiences with that particular culture, enriching the child's knowledge and bonding experience. The wider community, especially in multicultural societies, can also provide opportunities for adoptees to immerse themselves in cultural events, workshops, or community gatherings.
Psychological well-being for adoptees
Adoptees often struggle with feelings of displacement or detachment, regardless of how fantastic their adoptive home and family are. Understanding their cultural history can provide grounding and emotional stability. Studies consistently emphasise the correlation between cultural awareness and mental well-being in adoptees and that for adoptees, embracing their cultural background can help them process feelings of loss or abandonment.
"Even if you're not attached to your own racial or cultural origins, how you socialise and condition within your family and community can reinforce negative feelings about race and culture." Jackson & Samuels, 2019
So, what can you do as adoptive parents to help?
As many parents of adoption will agree, the system could always do more to help. In our recent 'Help me face the dark' section, we hear from a brave adopter who speaks openly about how system assistance would be incredibly beneficial. System assistance could come in the form of many aids, for example, monetary support for language classes. Unfortunately, whilst we wait for the system to catch up and acknowledge the benefit of (at a minimum) training on the importance of recognising cultural heritage and how to do so, we've compiled a list of helpful tips that may help if you're adopting or have adopted a child with a different cultural background to you.
1. Responding to your child's needs and interests
It's important to remember every adopted child and family are unique. While some believe it's paramount to integrate the child's birth culture into their lives, there isn't a universally right or wrong approach. Instead of imposing it, see if your child expresses interest. When they're mature enough, ask their feelings about connecting with their birth heritage. Some may find identity affirmation in their cultural connection, while others might not feel the necessity. And remember, choosing not to celebrate specific holidays or cook certain dishes from the child's birth culture doesn't mean you're neglecting their biological history. Your intuition is key.
2. Keep the birth culture dialogue open
Even if your child initially shows disinterest in their birth culture, it's worth revisiting the topic as they grow. As adoptees evolve and reach various developmental stages, their views might shift. Suggest activities that might help them connect are perhaps joining local adoptee groups, exploring cultural cuisines, or engaging with books and films showcasing their birth culture.
3. Recognise the complexity of dual cultural identity
For some adoptees, juggling their adopted and biological identities can be challenging. Many adoptees grapple with integrating their biological and adopted cultures, especially during their younger years. Acknowledge that your child might experience similar feelings and may not possess the words to express them. Consider therapy and reaching out to relevant support if you feel it is necessary.
4. Engage with their culture
You can engage with culture in many ways - we touched on it above, but why not Google whether there are any local cultural festivals happening in your area? This can help your child understand the tradition and history in a fun way. Participating in activities like crafting or dancing during these festivals can be insightful. Cooking dishes from their culture can spark conversations about their origins, teaching life skills like patience and creativity along the way. Representation is essential, so consider books and films that reflect adoptees' experiences, which can encourage conversations between adoptive parents and children. If your child is showing a real interest, why not help them learn the language? You can use free online resources like Babel or Duolingo or go a step further and get them a private tutor using resources like Preply. Learning the native language isn't just about communication. It's a deep connection to their culture and can help if they decide to visit their birth country.
5. If you can – travel there
Travel, especially visiting their country of origin, of course, provides the most direct link to heritage. It can be valuable for adoptive families to understand the background of their child better. Connecting with biological relatives offers personal stories, but it's vital to handle these encounters with sensitivity, prioritising the adoptee's emotional health. With that being said, financially, this isn't viable for many families, and it's important that you do not feel guilty if you can't travel across the world - embarking on even just one of the points we've highlighted here is a fantastic way to help your child engage with their birth culture.
6. What about understanding your own culture?
This is often overlooked, but for parents to aid their children in grasping their racial and cultural heritage, they must first delve into their own. This is particularly vital for parents from the majority culture, as genuine comprehension requires introspection.
7. Familiarise yourself with potential negative impacts your child may experience because of their birth culture
Familiarising yourself with specific terms will enhance your understanding and approach to raising a child from another racial or cultural background. Informing yourself as a parent about specific terms your child may encounter, like implicit bias, microaggressions, and colourism, is essential. We've compiled a couple of examples below for you:
Cultural humility: Having cultural humility means you emphasise the significance of proactive listening to learn about, respect, and weave in your child's cultural identity. It encourages understanding and appreciation of families from diverse races, religions, ethnicities, and economic backgrounds. Recognising that continual emotional, social, and intellectual evolution is necessary and being receptive to fresh insights aids in comprehending diverse cultures. Respect for the diverse values of different cultures is crucial.
Implicit bias: These are unconscious perspectives towards others, frequently influenced by stereotypes that might counter one's conscious beliefs. Everyone, irrespective of their racial background or personal experiences with racism, possesses implicit bias. Acknowledging and confronting it prevents the inadvertent misinterpretation and representation of children. If you’re interested in understanding how you may fall victim to implicit bias, "Project Implicit" provides complimentary online tests that may help you understand more.
Microaggressions: These are routine derogatory remarks, invalidations, or attitudes that convey antagonistic racial evaluations. Microaggressions, which can be either deliberate or accidental, can revolve around race, culture, and adoption status.
Colourism: This is the discrimination rooted in skin tone, favouring certain colours or shades over others, be it within one's family, cultural group, or across diverse groups.
8. Understand that there are challenges in the reconnection journey
While there are numerous benefits to reconnecting with birth culture, it's essential to note that this journey may come with its challenges. Some adoptees might feel overwhelmed or even resistant to delve into their cultural heritage. They may feel out of place, thinking that they neither belong to their birth culture nor their adoptive one fully. Adoptive parents should be patient, understanding, and flexible, realising that the journey might be fraught with highs and lows. It's essential to offer support without pushing, allowing the adoptee to guide the pace of their cultural reconnection.
9. Utilise the internet
The digital age offers an array of resources for adoptees to connect with their birth culture. From online communities of adoptees sharing their experiences to resources on the history, language, and customs of different cultures, the internet can be a gold mine. Parents can assist in curating age-appropriate content and platforms where their children can explore and learn using resources like Culture Crossing or Country Reports. Additionally, virtual reality experiences might provide immersive cultural experiences, bridging the geographical distance between adoptees and their birth countries.
10. Maintain a balance
While encouraging and supporting cultural connection is essential, it's equally important to maintain a balance. An adoptee's identity isn't solely based on their birth culture. it's a blend of their experiences, upbringing, and personal choices. It's essential to ensure that the emphasis on birth culture doesn't overshadow other aspects of their identity. Celebrate the uniqueness of the merged cultural experiences, understanding that it's this blend that contributes to the richness of their identity.
11. Understand that your parental perceptions of your children's birth culture truly matters
Understanding adoptive parents' perceptions of their children's cultural identity is crucial. These perceptions, formed early in the adoption journey, shape the parents' reactions when their children inevitably inquire about differences in appearance, experiences of prejudice, ties to their birth country, or even their yearnings to revisit their roots. To truly grasp family dynamics and offer meaningful support to adoptive families, it's imperative to delve into these parental views.
What does this tell us?
Adoptive families stand at the intersection of love, identity, and cultural exploration. As guardians of a unique bond, it's a difficult balance to get right - to nurture and foster an environment where an adoptee feels grounded in their adoptive identity while simultaneously soaring high and exploring their cultural roots. By understanding the complexities, challenges, and rewards of this journey, parents can pave the way for a harmonious and fulfilling exploration of self for their adopted children.
Understanding and honouring an adoptee's cultural and familial tapestry isn't a one-time act. It's an ongoing journey. There's a pressing need for comprehensive training for adoption professionals on this topic. Such training, in countries welcoming internationally adopted children would pave the way for proactive measures right from the child's arrival.
We know this topic can feel daunting, particularly to new parents in this situation. Remember, every adoptee's journey is unique, and adapting to their pace and emotions is essential. There's no right or wrong, but putting in effort will, in every case, be well received.
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