- Jul 30
- 4 min read

Understanding Blocked Care in Adoptive Parenting

At Walk Together Adoption, our mission extends beyond bringing the community together. We strive to provide realistic, actionable tips and support for adoptive families, sharing both the incredible and challenging stories of adoption. Today, we delve into the concept of blocked care, a phenomenon that can profoundly impact adoptive parents and their children.

What is blocked care?

As parents, many have experienced moments of feeling completely overwhelmed, unable to take any more stress. Typically, we find ways to alleviate this through support from family, friends, or other networks. However, chronic stress or unexpected circumstances can push us beyond our limits, leading to a state known as blocked care.

Blocked care is a biological response where the caregiving system 'shuts down,' making it difficult for parents to empathise with their child. This isn't due to a lack of love but rather a self-protective mechanism in response to trauma and distress. This condition is particularly relevant to adoptive parents. Adoptive children often come with their own set of traumas and may react with hostility to their adoptive parents' attempts to connect. Over time, this can wear down adoptive parents, leading them to become defensive and possibly resentful.

It's important to understand that this does not make anyone a bad parent; it makes them human. With the right support, parents can work through blocked care and return to a place of empathy and love.

Blocked care in action

Consider the story of Mark and Jenny, adoptive parents to a seven-year-old boy named Liam. Liam had experienced significant trauma before his adoption, including neglect and inconsistency in his early years. Despite Mark and Jenny’s loving efforts to integrate Liam into their family, his behavioural issues became increasingly challenging. He often reacted with anger and defiance, rejecting their affection and support.

Over time, the constant stress and emotional strain began to take a toll on Mark and Jenny. Mark found himself becoming increasingly frustrated and irritable, while Jenny felt emotionally numb and disconnected. Simple requests from Liam would trigger defensive responses, and both parents noticed they were more focused on managing his behaviour than understanding the underlying causes.

One evening, after another difficult day, Jenny realised she felt completely shut down, unable to muster the empathy she knew Liam needed. She recognised that her reactions were more about her own emotional exhaustion than Liam's behaviour. Mark, too, acknowledged feeling distant and resentful, despite his deep love for their son.

Seeking help, Mark and Jenny reached out to a support group for adoptive parents and began individual therapy. Through these resources, they learned about blocked care and its impact. They started practising mindfulness techniques and self-care strategies to rebuild their emotional resilience. By recognising their own triggers and setting aside time for self-care, they gradually began to reconnect with Liam on a deeper emotional level.

This journey was not easy, and there were setbacks along the way. However, with patience and support, Mark and Jenny worked through their blocked care. They found that by caring for their own emotional needs, they were better equipped to empathise with Liam and respond to his needs with patience and love.

Types of blocked care

Dan Hughes and Jonathan Baylin, in their book “Brain Based Parenting: The Neuroscience of Caregiving for Healthy Attachment,” describe four types of blocked care:

Chronic blocked care

A parent’s own difficult childhood experiences can increase their vulnerability to blocked care. Growing up in an environment filled with fear may cause them to be more reactive to their child’s behaviour.

Example: Sarah, who had an abusive childhood, finds herself snapping at her adopted son’s minor misbehaviours. Her past trauma makes it challenging to stay calm, leading her to often feel overwhelmed and detached.

Acute blocked care

Sudden personal difficulties, such as a bereavement, can trigger blocked care. Managing one’s own emotions during such times can make it harder to be attuned to a child’s needs.

Example: After the sudden death of her mother, Emma struggles to manage her grief while caring for her adopted daughter. The overwhelming sadness causes her to withdraw emotionally, making her less responsive to her daughter’s needs.

Child-specific blocked care

Particularly relevant for adoptive and foster parents, this type arises from hostility and anger directed at them by one specific child

Example: John experiences persistent anger and rejection from his adopted son, which over time leads him to build emotional barriers, finding it hard to feel warmth and affection towards the child.

Stage-specific blocked care

As children go through various developmental stages, their changing behaviours and emotions can be challenging for parents, potentially leading to blocked care.

Example: Lisa feels increasingly frustrated and disconnected as her adopted teenage daughter becomes more rebellious and distant, a stark contrast to their previously close relationship.

Symptoms of blocked care

The Child Psychology Service identifies several symptoms of blocked care:

Feeling defensive and guarded
Experiencing burnout, chronic overwhelm, or fatigue
Meeting the child’s practical needs but not feeling joy in parenting
Focusing more on the child’s behaviour than its underlying meaning
Being reactive rather than proactive
Feeling stuck in one way of doing things
Sensitivity to rejection
Irritability with significant others or family members
Isolation from friends and family
Cynicism about the situation or help being offered
Difficulty accessing feelings of compassion or nurture, leading to guilt
Feeling ‘shut down’

How to help

If you resonate with these symptoms, there are several strategies you can use to regain your emotional balance:

Recognise your triggers: Understanding what triggers your stress can help you manage your responses more effectively.

Lean on your support network: Don’t hesitate to ask for help. Taking breaks when needed is crucial.

Engage in mental health support: Mindfulness, therapy, and connecting with others can provide much-needed relief.

Start a journal: Documenting positive experiences with your child, no matter how small, can help shift your focus to positive aspects.

Join a support group: Connecting with others who have experienced blocked care can provide validation and practical advice.

While there is no one-size-fits-all solution to blocked care, seeking support is essential. If blocked care is affecting your overall happiness and wellbeing, please contact your GP for professional help.

Remember, blocked care is not your fault, and you deserve support.